i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up under a house in Key West
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