Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The air taste purple.
Randomize
