no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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