I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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