I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
