Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
