As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
