Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
