not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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