Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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