my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
