I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
