ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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