But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
