The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the condom got lost in my hair
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
