If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
