onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
