He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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