i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
