Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
