Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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