Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
