I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
