Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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