I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I deserve this hangover.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
