i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
