what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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