Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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