I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
