just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
