You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
