Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
