the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize