a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
