Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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