Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
