Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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