I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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