she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
