I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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