I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
