I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
