saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
