I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
