It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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