Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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