hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
