I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
