Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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