I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
