My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
