I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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