Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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