Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
