i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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