I accidentally had phone sex last night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
