On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
