why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
